Loose Pass

'Stop it!' 'No, YOU stop it!'

Welcome to Loose Pass - our weekly assortment of musings, mutterings, tickled fancies and disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with those cute and cuddly Lions...

We're approaching half-time oranges on the Lions tour and we are still none the wiser about how they will fare in the Test series.

The tourists have blown red hot and icy cold in their opening games and are as likely to stand eye to eye with the Boks as they are to crumble to an ignominious 3-0 defeat.

As for Peter de Villiers's troops, we have seen neither hide nor hair of them. Will they mark their entrance with a fresh-faced flourish or a rusty implosion?

The only fixed point in all this is the demeanour of the tourists. Everyone is in agreement that they are happy campers. Seriously happy, verging on the clappy.

In order to erase the memories of the miserable disaster of 2005, Ian McGeechan and his cohorts have made squad unity their priority, and their charges have not held back - they are in full friends forever, pen pal, spit and shake, Club 18-30 mode.

The imbedded hacks look on in wonder as the players "go about their business with cheery good humour". Warren Gatland and Phil Vickery have been pictured frolicking like horny puppies. Simon Shaw has cracked a smile. Lenny the mascot lion is now the least cuddly member of the entire squad.

One commentator has even been move to suggest that "the positive buzz within the Lions camp might even tempt all international sides to re-evaluate what they are doing", and the bromantic tinge to the tour does, indeed, appear to be contagious. The one sighting we've had of the Boks came when the camera panned around the stadium at the Sharks match. There they were, giggling like schoolgirls and flicking rabbit ears behind each other's heads.

Of course, the view from the stand was hardly going to scare them into stunned silence, but it's clear that the feel-good factor abounds - no naked swimming or barbed wire for this crop of Boks.

For rugby's sake - and for the rugby spirit that has waned in recent times - Loose Pass dearly hopes that the bonhomie can continue to accompany the tour to its end. But in terms of results, one wonders whether the Lions might do with a little more brooding menace and a little less hand-holding.

Disagree? Just consider this: the squad's favourite tune is said to be 'Saturday Night at the Movies'. Not only is it way too jolly, it's also slightly too prophetic for our liking. Can't someone at least reword it? How about a bash at 'Saturday Night after Victory'. Where's Matt Stevens when you need him? Ah, yes, right.

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Keeping with the touchy-feely theme, it seems there is at least one rom-com fan among the Lions, and those of you who like their rugby manly might wish to look away now.

Each tourist was asked bring along a favourite book and a favourite DVD so that a library could be built up. Look under 'L' and you won't find 'Living with Lions'. You'll find 'Love, Actually'.

We'd like to assume the presence of the Hugh Grant cringe-fest is a joke, but the owner has yet to come forward to explain himself.

Rest assured that Loose Pass is on the case. We'll find the disc's jockey and publish the names of those that sign it out!

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Okay, it's not all touchy-feely. How about this for a bit of fighting talk?

"O'Connell is the Lions captain and it's good he's supported by his people back home. But the idea of me being 'bossed' by him makes me smile a bit."

This from Bok lock Victor Matfield on a Test prediction laid down by former Lions skipper Willie John McBride. Bring it on!

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And talking of O'Connell, reckon Geech might be regretting his decision to name the big man Lions captain over Brian O'Driscoll? Whilst the Leinsterman has rekindled his form of old (if not his speed) there are growing doubts over whether the Munsterman has done enough to earn a spot in the Test XV.

The burden of captaincy might be at the heart of their divergent fortunes. BOD seems to be revelling in his role as simply one of the boys whilst the travails of leading a team of 40 men might be playing on POC's mind.

Perhaps there's a case for co-captaincy - or would that bring them both down? Or perhaps we should consider downsizing the role of the rugby captain à al soccer and get the most out of everyone. After all, the days of coach-less half-time chats are way behind us. Just food for thought.

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And so farewell to Haydn Tanner. The legendary Wales and Lions scrum-half, who could reverse-pass half the width of the field, has died at the age of 92.

Tanner made his international debut as an 18-year-old in Wales's win over New Zealand in 1935 and also played in the Swansea side that beat the All Blacks on the same tour.

Tanner and his cousin of a similar age, Willie Davies, are credited with orchestrating Swansea's famous victory - a win that prompted New Zealand captain Jack Manchester to approach the travelling newsmen with cap in hand.

"Tell them we have been beaten," he said, "but don't tell them it was by a pair of schoolboys."

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Now for a quick game of two halves...

"Ireland fly-half [Ronan O'Gara] missed only one of six kicks and, with his willingness to attack with ball in hand, indicated that the No 10 jersey is by no means a foregone conclusion for Stephen Jones."
- David Hands, Times, 11/6/09

"[There were] three probable unlucky losers in the backline in fly-half Ronan O'Gara and wings Shane Williams and Luke Fitzgerald. O'Gara was badly off-key in open play though his goal-kicking was sound."
- Mick Cleary, Daily Telegraph, 11/6/09

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Wasps star James Haskell starts the last game of the season on the bench of what amounts to an England B side. He takes a pew next to Mathew Tait. Danny Cipriani was last seen floating down the Arkansas River with England's third-stringers.

Most nations are able to make better players out of the talent youngsters, why does the opposite appear to happen in England? Suggestions on a postcard, please.

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Gavin Henson might be out of action with an ankle injury but he's definitely keeping himself busy.

His partner, singer Charlotte Church, recent stated that she wants "six or seven by 32", and the publication of the 1911 census might inspire the couple to raise the bar higher still.

It turns out that Church's great-great grandmother squeezed out no less than 15 nippers, which bodes well for Henson's wish to raise his own rugby team.

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Compiled by Andy Jackson