Loose Pass

Could this help the Lions to seal the deal? In a word: no.

Welcome to Loose Pass - our weekly assortment of musings, mutterings, tickled fancies and disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with Lions, Boks, Pumas and sour Kiwis...

Have you heard the one about the six Welshmen, five Irishmen and four Englishmen?

South Africans might think the Lions side for the first Test is a bit of a joke, but Ian McGeechan and his cohorts seem to have pulled off the impossible by picking a team that has not caused fans to boil over with apoplectic rage and shouts of betrayal.

Not even a Scotsman would argue against the chosen XV, and there isn't a touring kilt in sight.

Some, like this chap, might argue that selection was made easier by the paucity of talent, but we'd like to believe that the Lions' policy of picking on tour form has come to its logical and happy conclusion.

That Tom Croft made it despite missing out on the original 37-man Lions squad bears testament to that fact - and to Geech's integrity.

Even the solution to the one really difficult decision - David Wallace or Martyn Williams - would probably have seen heads nodding in Cardiff. Although one suspects the two flanks will have an equal part to play: the Irishman to knock lumps before making way for the Welshman to weave his magic.

The only points of contention concern the bench. What if the Lions need to bring in the heavies? Impossible. No Simon Shaw, no Nathan Hines, no Andy Sheridan, no Joe Worsley, no Andy Powell.

And what if the Lions lose a centre? Brian O'Driscoll isn't getting any younger and is bound to be targeted given his standing and history. Should that dreaded hole open up, who would you pick to plug it: Ronan O'Gara or Rob Kearney?

Gulp.

This truly is your Everest, boys!

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It seems apt that the Lions will now turn their attentions to the Republic after nearly having their heads lopped off by a bunch of rogues purporting to be Kings.

Despite the new merchandise-friendly name, there was no mistaking Eastern Province on Tuesday.

The side has a long history of roughing up tourists ahead of Tests: this is the patch where England's Tim Rodber famously lost his rag in 1994 after Jon Callard had his face opened up with a set of studs, and it was mission accomplished once again this time round with Euan Murray and James Hook both being removed from the Test equation.

Well played, lads! You've done your heritage proud and made the Springboks' task slightly easier. Shame a few of the other tourists didn't succumb to the violence, but you did your level best.

We're not against full-blooded rugby - heaven knows the tour needed a little - but no one with more than an ounce of grey matter between their ears would condone wilful attempts to deny a fellow player a shot at their career's crowning achievement by dropping a knee or leading in with an elbow. Even the partisan crowd seemed a little ashamed.

As an aside, it's interesting to note that the three main aggressors - Jaco van der Westhuyzen, Frikkie Welsh and De Wet Barry - have all spent time playing in the UK, as has the Southern Kings assistant coach Robbie Kempson. Did their experiences in Blighty really leave them so angst-ridden?

Note to the locals of the Guinness Premiership: be more friendly to immigrants, or risk being knocked cold at a later date.

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And whilst we are on the subject: some humble pie shall be consumed on Saturday evening. But by who?

Ronan O'Gara initially refused to shake hands with his opposite number, the aforementioned Van der Westhuyzen, after Tuesday's game.

When he eventually did so, he alleges that the former Bok pivot let rip with some verbals.

O'Gara said: "He was still lippy and said that we'd get smashed in the Test, so I just said, 'we'll see'."

Indeed we will!

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If France can take the trouble to trudge to the other side of the world, can't New Zealand at least have the courtesy to field a full-strength side against them?

We're joking, of course. But we do admit to a certain schadenfreude following France's 27-22 win over the All Blacks in Dunedin.

Rugby officials and fans from the Antipodes have complained long and hard about under-strength European sides embarking on southern tours.

Just last August we had ARU boss John O'Neill proposing that yet more Australasian action should replace these "weak" incoming tours.

It would be "an enticing development for local rugby fans", he said.

Why split the profits with Europe, he argued ... er, I mean, why "insult the audience again", he argued.

And his proposed plan wasn't "Bolshevik", he concluded rather surreally, just simple common sense.

Don't believe us? Read it here.

But perhaps Mr O'Neill was right. The game at Carisbrook did seem to "insult the audience" - they showered the French players with bottles as they attempted to thank their small band of travelling fans.

The local television commentators weren't much better than the shameful louts in the stands. It was painfully obvious that they had neglected to do any homework on the visitors whatsoever.

Players were identified incorrectly, backstories muddled, and all attempts at correct pronunciation were kicked to touch. We were alarmed to hear that the try-scoring William Servat was to be replaced by car in the second half. Sadly, we never caught sight of the Suzuki.

Okay, we shouldn't rub their noses in it, but we're just making a little hay while the sun shines: New Zealanders losing face in their own backyard is one of the rarest sights in sport.

We only wish that Kiwis could take it as well as they dish it out.

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We have nothing but utmost respect for Argentine rugby, but it seems that the players have been let down by their officials - and not for the first time.

The Pumas' fine victory over England in Salta was a joy to behold, but it was a joy beheld by less than a handful of people outside of the Americas: it wasn't televised in Britain.

The game's place in the schedule was replaced by an episode of the Keystone Cops featuring guest appearances from the Argentina Rugby Union, its broadcast rights agent IMG, and broadcasters ESPN.

That a boardroom row denied England fans a chance to see their boys in action is particularly galling considering that the RFU agreed to play the first Test of the series in Manchester in order to give Argentina a more generous slice of profits.

Vamos, Argentina! If we can't marvel at your achievements we can't help you secure your rightful place at the top table of world rugby.

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The tea leaves have been turned, the stars examined and the crystal ball buffed and caressed. But, alas, to no avail: we still haven't a clue which way Saturday's big game will go.

So let us turn our attention to the date. What feats of human achievement have taken place on the 20th day of the sixth month, and were they tinged with myrtle green or fiery scarlet?

(Yes, it's a slow news day.)

Year: 451
Event: Flavius Aetius defeats Attila the Hun at the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains.
Omens: Southerners putting one over northerners?
Verdict: World rugby's natural polar pull to hold sway. BOKS

Year: 1756
Event: A British garrison is imprisoned in the 'Black Hole' of Calcutta.
Omens: Dark days for Brits abroad?
Verdict: Goodnight, redcoats! BOKS

Year: 1782
Event: The US Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States.
Omens: E pluribus unum (Out of many, one).
Verdict: Does any motto sum up the Lions better? LIONS

Year: 1837
Event: Queen Victoria succeeds to the British throne.
Omens: What ya reckon?
Verdict: Yes - we hear you, Ireland. But let's just gloss over that for the purposes of this daft bit of fluff. LIONS

Year: 1840
Event: Samuel Morse receives the patent for the telegraph.
Omen: Handy for those caught in a pickle abroad.
Verdict: A wounded paw to tap out: dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot. BOKS

Year: 1960
Event: Mali and Senegal declare independance.
Omens: Africa rising!
Verdict: Take that, old world! BOKS

Year: 1963
Event: The so-called "red telephone" is established between the USSR and the US.
Omens: It's red. What more do you want?
Verdict: Bring! Bring! Who's there? LIONS

So, there you have it: 4-3! South Africa to pip the Lions in the first Test. No need to watch the game now. In fact, you're free to accompany the wife to Ikea.

No, please, don't thank us - it's all part of the service.

Got something to add?

Compiled by Andy Jackson