Empty heroism

The Lions' new replacements should fit in nicely...

Welcome to Loose Pass - our weekly assortment of musings, mutterings, tickled fancies and disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with empty heroism and language problems...

So the Boks have wrapped it up - and at the earliest possible opportunity.

What's that wheezing sound? Air escaping for a rapidly deflating balloon, or aggrieved Lions fans crying foul? A combination of the two, it would seem.

Say what you like about the marginal decisions that peppered the first two Tests, it's very hard to begrudge the Boks their win. They were the ones who showed more composure in the opening hour of the first encounter and they were the ones who managed to dig just that wee bit deeper in the heady final moments in Pretoria.

But the Lions must hold their heads up high. They are heroes to a man. For a scratch side, on its shortest tour in history, to come within two whiskers of two wins over the world champions on their own patch is something to behold - even to celebrate.

Sometimes there's more to sport than mere results. Sometimes it's about the drama of placing a man at the foot of a mountain and tasking him to climb it. He might make it to the top and he might not, but there'll always lashings of heroism, adventure, despair and self-discovery.

The tourists were staring uphill even before they left the shores of home, yet they managed to hook their fingers to the top of the world before the Boks prised them free.

The tourists might not have won the series but they have given us a tale that has inspired even those without the faintest grasp of sport, let alone rugby. It has been great viewing - it's Captain Scott with shorts on. I don't know about you, but Loose Pass is only too happy to raise a glass to that.

And so to those hacks who have called into question the "viability" of future Lions tours in the wake of a seventh straight official Test defeat, we say this: Shut it. Seriously. If you don't understand the real allure of the Lions by now, you never will.

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Having said all that...

C'MON LIONS!!!!! Win by nine points in Johannesburg and the aggregate victory is yours!

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When Ugo Monye crashed over for what looked like a try in the first Test, referee Byrce Lawrence went 'upstairs' to canvass the opinion of Christophe Berdos, the game's television match official.

Unfortunately, the New Zealander doesn't speak a word of French and the Frenchman has limited English, so what followed was pure Fawlty Towers.

Berdos tried his best to explain what he had seen while an understandably frustrated Lawrence hurried him to get to the point.

This was topped off by Lawrence overruling what did, indeed, seem like a wrong recommendation from the Frenchman.

Roles were tweaked for the second Test and there was less than a minute on the clock when Berdos, refereeing the game, was summoned for a chat with Lawrence, running the line.

The New Zealander informed the Frenchman he "could see fingers clearly in the eye area" of Luke Fitzgerald and identified Schalk Burger as the perpetrator.

"Ermm, yellow card?" replied Berdos.

"I think it's at least a yellow card," concluded Lawrence.

Berdos, still visibly bewildered by what he had - or, rather, hadn't - been told, brandished a yellow card saying: "You put your finger ... I don't know ... but is dangerous."

Judge for yourself, but our guess is that Berdos didn't fully absorb the gravity of the situation.

And how could he have? If a Frenchman fed us such a euphemistic line in his own tongue, the odds would be against us picking out any word but 'jaune'.

Don't get us wrong. This is not an attack on Berdos, it's actually a defence. He's been branded "weak" and "cowardly" for not showing Burger a red card. That is not the case. He had a good match.

Neither is it an attack on Lawrence, although he conviction lacked courage. (Why offer a referee who has not seen an incident the choice of cards?)

This is simply a plea for sanity. Communication is the be-all and end-all for rugby officials, so wouldn't it be a good idea to allow them the ability to communicate with each other?

Pick the team of officials on the strength of a common language. A French-speaking referee should have French-speaking assistants, an English-speaking referee should have English-speaking assistance, and so on and so forth.

And whilst we are at it, what's the deal with all the circumlocution in rugby? 'Contact with the eye and/or eye area'? 'Illegal use of the head'? Just give it to us straight!

"Burger to go, Berdo" - that's all Lawrence needed to say.

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Loose Pass has an apology to make...

New Zealand, last week we question your right to host Rugby World Cup 2011 on account of the vicious assault meted out to France centre Mathieu Bastareaud in a Wellington street.

As it turns out, the story turned out to a be a fabrication - a fib the youngster thought would save him face.

For the false accusation, we are sorry and hope you can accept out grovelling apology.

But we stand by the other 1,297 reasons why RWC 2011 should have gone to Japan instead ot to you!

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And whilst we're down here begging for clemency...

Last week we dared to believe that Peter de Villiers was a genius acting the fool. It has now come to our attention that he's simply a fool. Apologies for the misinformation.

The various crimes pf the Bok boss have been reported on other parts of this site, so we will leave you with our favourite PdV quotes of the week.

Incredibly, they all come from the same surreal press conference.

"I know myself that I am a God-given talent."
- PdV on PdV.

"If I am the weakest link then we are bloody strong!"
- See previous quote.

"If we want to win games in boardrooms and on TV screens, we might as well go to the nearest ballet shop and buy ourselves some tutus."
- PdV gives his verdict on the citing process. (Or does he believe ballet is a game to be won in boardrooms and on TV screens?)

"If we want to eye-gouge any lions we would go into the bushveld and eye-gouge there."
- If only the Christians of ancient Rome had PdV as their coach.

"What we must understand here very clearly is that rugby is a contact sport, and so is dancing."
- Never do the funky chicken with PdV.

"I am the best ever that I can be, what you think doesn't bother me, I know what I am and I don't give a damn."
- PdV does Muhammad Ali ... badly.

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Our amazing Rugby Date Prediction System (RDPS©) foresaw a draw in Pretoria. Unfortunately the dials were set for the mere 80 minutes, which rather precluded Ronan O'Gara's clumsy cameo.

Two near-misses have left us, like the Lions, determined to get it right. So, let's give her a whirl. Which side does July 4 favour?

Year: 1776
Event: The US Declaration of Independence is adopted.
Omens: Down with the British!
Verdict: Former colonials to assert their unalienable rights. BOKS

Year: 1892
Event: Western Samoa live July 4 twice after opting to 'move' to the east of the International Date Line.
Omens: Groundhog Day?
Verdict: Lions forced to relive the recent past. BOKS

Year: 1918
Event: Bolsheviks kill Tsar Nicholas II of Russia and his family.
Omens: Here come the reds...
Verdict: A new order emerges. LIONS

Well, there we have it. The Boks have the edge - it's a whitewash. Bah.

Got something to add?

Compiled by Andy Jackson