News from the Far Side

News machine: The ScoopMobile rides again

Contrary to viscous rumours suggesting that they had been incarcerated after infiltrating Lions coach Ian McGeechan's lair, the NFS team of crack investigators has returned from another undercover mission with exclusive information pertaining to the Springboks.

NFS agents have spent the last month slipping in and out of the shadows in Springbok Coach Peter de Villiers' home town of Paarl in the Cape winelands, investigating every crack, crook and nannie in the name of bringing you the latest developments in the Boks' perpetration for the British and Irish Lions.

Never afraid to brave the smallest small town, never afraid to take on the largest wine farm, never too shy to wear woman's clothing in for a worthy cause, our agents staked out the PDV's pad before infiltrating the suburban home as part of the gaggle of ladies attending Mrs. De Villiers book club meeting.

Cunningly disguised and a lampshade (know as the Stand and Scan technique) , a NFS operative was able to obverse the PDV's house hold from the inside and reveal vital clues pertaining to the possible composition of the Springbok squad.

Our agent had endure weeks of confinement in the De Villiers home where he was deprived of food, water, bathroom breaks while standing motionless for hours on end in the family lounge. The team stationed outside in the 'Scoop Mobile' was forced to drink only the local produce.

Unable to move for danger of missing out on vital transmissions from inside (relayed via Morse Code using a lamp to flash info in the dark of night), the team could not to avoid the horrors of mixing their Merlot with Pinotage and Shiraz.

Only parts of the information gathered can be revealed at this time as the agent is now trapped inside since the De Villiers family has headed North to Pretoria where the Springboks have set up camp. Herewith however are extracts from the mission journal:

April 21: PDV assembles 'special task team' from local church. BISTRART (Bible Study Rapid Response Team) is tasked with finding evidence in the Bible Code that Earl Rose and Ruan Pienaar should start ahead of Morné Steyn.

April 22: Following the morning soaps (PDV grows visibly angry during 'Days of our Lives', then cries when Brook dumps Thorn in the "Bold and the Beautiful'), the coach watches a video of a Paarl Boys High third team game for 1998 (starring a young Morgan Newman).

April 23: Following the selection of Simon Shaw for the Lions, PDV calls former heavyweight champ Corrie Sanders to check his availability for selection for Boks. Next call is to "Baby Jake" Matlala, who is a possible replacement hooker (he'll still be taller than Lee Mears).

April 24: Conference call with Joel Santana (Bafana Bafana coach) and Micky Arthur (Proteas coach) to coordinate strategy. Santana says "grandelish es banash parra letush, mouvemento por bieno sambo," (Keep 'em guessing chum, as long as they pay the rent, it's all good).

April 29: New coffee table is ordered after PDV breaks the old one by banging on it with his fists while watching replays of Ricky Januarie scoring against the All Blacks.

May 1: E-mail from Kevin Pietersen is received via SARU office. Pietersen says PDV can forget about him playing for the Springboks because he doesn't agree with South Africa's selection policy and the coach doesn't appreciate his talent enough.

May 6: News arrives that Schalk Burger's injury recovery is behind schedule. Luke Watson is still struggling with nausea. A list of replacements is draw up and then photographed while PDV is in the 'little Boks room' doing a number two (refereed to as a 'Bismarck' amongst family members). The list is as follows:

1. Francois Pienaar (has experience)

2. Matt Damon (could pass for Pienaar with the right camera angle)

3. Nelson Mandela (is know for providing 'Madiba magic' - can save on kit expenses since he already has a number six jersey)

May 8: The ScoopMobile relocates to Pretoria.

May 24: Surveillance position is set up in the trees above Bok training ground.

May 25: Day before first training session. Earl Rose is penciled in as fly-half.

May 26: First day of training is over. Earl Rose is to be moved into the pack, where he won't be required to catch, kick or make decisions.

May 27: Earl Rose is moved out of the pack and back to fly-half, where he won't have to tackle.

Do you have information that could help the NFS investigation? Send it here!

By the Scarlet Badger