News from the Far Side

Banned substance? We've investigated the banana split extensively

Assaults on the streets of Wellington? New calendars in the South? Anti-Springbok Conspiracies in the press? Fear not readers of real rugby news, not even the H1N1 virus could keep us from bringing you the News from the Far Side.

Contrary to the latest vicious and wholly untrue rumours circulating in the press, NFS investigators have not been holed up in an Amsterdam hotel room on a prolonged magic mushroom binge, nor have they joined AC/DC as full-time roadies (though they do salute all those about to rock).

In fact, the famous NFS team have, as usual, been deep under cover, under deep covers, covering deep underside of the rugby world to bring you the truth behind the lies, behind the truth, behind the 'official' press releases.

Following reports that France midfielder Mathieu Bastareaud has been booked into a psychiatric hospital, the NFS team of crack investigators were mobilised and the Scoop Mobile was extracted from the Secret Far Side Cave in the French wine lands and driven to Paris at full hyper-warp-scoop-speed.

Using the little-known 'Freak, Sneak and Peak Technique' operatives from NFS-vice 'went loony' and got themselves booked into the same psychiatric ward as the Stade Français centre to get the low-down on the errant star...but got far more than they bargained for.

Our investigations reveal that not only is the hospital in question an asylum for rugby stars fleeing the public eye, but is in fact the epicentre for the clandestine operations of a number of teams.

A monumental mental-meltdown from was needed one operative (he had to dive face-first into the corner of a coffee table three times a day) to be assigned the room next to Bastareaud. But the pain was worth it as a microphone placed in a hole in the wall between their rooms (carved out with a hair clip) was able to record the Frenchman's bizarre behaviour.

The dreadlocked star keeps hospital staff on their feet with his constant craving for banana-splits (he only eats fruit imported from his native Guadeloupe).

"Arrête! Arrête! Je ne suis pas fou, j'ai besoin d'appeler le coach pour lui expliquer ! (Nurse! Nurse! I'm dying of hunger, I need another dessert, fast!)" he is recorded as crying out repeatedly.

"Il faut que je m'entraine, la saison va bientôt commencer ! (I couldn't eat my ice-cream because four or five guys attacked me and took it, I need more!)

Doctors' are most concerned with the 20-year's obsession with his rear-end, which he feels is too small, hence all the sweet stuff.

More sinister however are recordings taken from the room of our operative's other neighbour.

It belongs to the evil mastermind behind the changes in SANZAR, who appears to be using the hospital as a base from which to pull the strings in the organisations. Our evidence indicates that after convincing administrators to start the season in February, and to create a new Super Rugby franchise, the diabolical character - know as The Tewhoskeneil - is now planning to completely change the entire southern hemisphere calendar.

"We need to start using the lunar calendar gentlemen," said the villain during a conference call.

"Every 19 years, this would allow us do to add a extra couple of days per year to the traditional, but restrictive, 365-day setup that is halting the growth of our TV earnings, er, I mean sport."

Hospital spokesman Jean-Claude Adminstorsareliars denied that his establishment was being used for subversive operations, but acknowledged that there was a strong link to the rugby world.

"On Wednesdays we have 'video day,' when inmates are treated to screenings of citing videos from around the world," he said.

"To make life interesting, patients are asked to vote on the sanctions required in each case, and to make the processes as interactive as possible, the votes are sent to the IRB for consideration. They are regularly very close to the real-life judgments, which is surprising considering the amount of medication involved."

Unconvinced, the NFS team set up a hidden surveillance camera to film the hospital pharmacy's dispensary and noted a number of interesting 'customers.'

One man, dressed in a green and gold tracksuit, was a regular visitor to the 'Tourette Syndrome section' where he would ask for the "coaches usual." We also intercepted a rather large package of schizophrenia medication being shipped to South Africa marked "Rich A. c/o Lions press."

Eager for more news, the team infiltrated the dispensary after dark and only to discover photographs of various men in Bath kit on the wall above a sign reading "Do not serve these men."

We are expecting more news from the undercover team, but it seems they have developed a taste for sedative-banana splits and might be staying put for a bit longer than expected.

By the Scarlet Badger